It isn’t always bad. There are times, like now, where I feel like my soul is at peace. Today I have felt more peaceful, more…content than I have been since I held you. Its the first day I’ve felt like I could actually live the rest of my life. I miss you still, but I know you’re in a happy place. I can feel you near me. Moments like these are when I think you’d want me to live and be happy. You wouldn’t want me in agony all the time. Today has been an almost happy day. We took our first little trip since you were born. We went to the hotel where you were conceived. Only happy things have happened to us here; our first New Year’s Eve, not long after we fell in love was in this very room. And we’re only a wall away from the very place you came into our life. Your daddy and I loved each other so much we had to make you just to hold some of it. We love each other very much, your daddy and I. We talked about you a lot today, but for the first time neither of us cried. We talked about how much we love you, and how hard it was to let you go–but also how glad we are that you can be somewhere that you can be happy and whole.
It feels strange to feel happy so soon. There have been many moments where I felt okay, or at peace. How can I still miss you so much, still feel that hole in my heart, and feel anything but the pain? At moments the pain threatens–especially when it whispers that I shouldn’t ever feel happy again. But for this little step out of time, in this place full of love and happy memories, all I can really think of is the joy you brought into my life during that precious time you were here. And the lessons you’ve already taught us, the gratitude I feel.
How can I feel blessed when I’ve lost so much?