I wasn’t going to tell very many people, but I’m pregnant again.

Of course our little family knows, and a very small handful of friends. That was all we planned to tell until we knew if this little one is going to stay. I hid it pretty well for the first couple weeks.

But this one won’t be hidden away. Aside from a couple of people who have actually looked at me and guessed, the morning sickness struck with such violence that hiding this from my coworkers is flat out of the question. I managed to hold off all day on Thursday at work, only to lose it as soon as I got home. Friday I got hit a couple times, and Saturday I lost count. Today was my first day back at work since it hit like this, and I threw up almost hourly.

Like I said, hiding this is difficult. It does not go unnoticed, me dashing from my register to the ladies room.

When I carried you, I only threw up three times the entire time. Oh you made me plenty sick, and there were times I wished I’d just throw up so I could feel better. But now I know that it doesn’t make me feel better anyway. I’ve barely gotten any food down at all. Lucky for me your Daddy went out and got some Ensure for me.

I don’t feel anything with this one (other than that whole throwing up constantly thing). With you I felt dazed and happy; with the last one I felt determinedly optimistic. This time? Dull worry that I’ll have to go through this kind of morning-sickness hell again after this.

Daddy’s a little more excited than me. He doesn’t show it much in the day, but a couple times I’ve woken in the night to find him awake, petting my belly. In his sleep his hand finds that already-a-little-larger bump almost as soon as he starts snoring.

And I’m putting some real effort into not snarling at him constantly. I’m not proud of it, but I was pretty grumpy the other two times. to put it mildly. This time I’m less pissy in general, and I guess I’ve learned to control that crazy irrational hormonal rush that used to make me flare up. It also helps that he’s being so tender and gentle and loving to me since I’ve been so sick (Is this the silver lining?)

One of the things I don’t feel anything about is that this baby is due almost exactly when you were. You were officially due on November 4, and this one is due November 5. I know there’s pools of terror and anxiety deep under all this nausea, but for right now, I’m really glad I can’t feel it yet.