I’m feeling anxious about the new baby today. This is the week that it’s fingers and toes should separate, assuming it has any. Next week we’ll have another ultrasound–the first one where we play Lets Count The Bones.

I’m terrified.

I don’t know why it’s upsetting me right now. Especially since fingers and toes are actually the smallest part of our worries. Weird, to live in a world where we consider fingers and toes to be luxuries. Much worse if it’s major bones or entire limbs missing. The pelvis. The risk of cleft palate (no one in the family has it, but it is associated with the general disorder). So very many bones that could get lost or stunted along the way…

And I’ve kept rough track of the baby’s development–not like I did with you, though. With you, Daddy and I were excited to read every day what exactly we were growing. I never really spared a thought that something might not grow correctly for you. And as this new baby has gone through its early development, I’ve tried to…well, I never know what to call it. “Praying” is definitely the wrong word, and “meditating” is still off the mark. Well, whatever you call it, I’ve done it while the baby is (hopefully) growing arms and legs and all its major parts.

So why the little freak-out about the fingers and toes? Such tiny details…

Every now and then the relentlessly hopeful image of ten fingers and ten toes bounces through my consciousness. I never let it get far. I don’t know if it feels like I’d jinx things or that I’d somehow be being ungrateful that thus far this has been a very healthy pregnancy (fetus-wise, that is. Been a bit rough on Mommy). Slaying that thought the instant it arises is the only way I feel “safer.” In that hollow, whistling-in-the-graveyard pretend-control way.

I’d say to keep your fingers crossed, but I can’t decide if that’s heartrendingly optimistic or horrifically dark.

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