I miss you so much today.

I got diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes today, which doesn’t surprise me. My pregnancy with your brother has been endlessly difficult; from Hyperemesis Gravidarum to early Braxton Hicks to the pain in my hips and back, not to even mention all the fear and pain and anxiety that he’d be with you instead of with us. That’s still there actually.

I try so hard to be bright and cheery about it; a lot of the time I fool even myself. Maybe I’m not fooling myself; maybe most of the time I am that glowing, bright pregnant lady.

Today I just feel like I’m slumped. I want to be on the other end of this. I want to stop feeling nauseous, worried, fretful, aching, sore, tired…I don’t want your brother to come early or anything, but I sure wouldn’t be all that unhappy if I wasn’t able to work anymore–at least then I’d be off my aching, miserable feet.

This is one of those days where I feel the unfairness of having to go through an entire second pregnancy. I should already be done with this. I should be holding you, soothing you while you’re cutting teeth, seeing you laugh.

And I’m so scared, so almost paralyzingly afraid that we’ll lose your brother even this late, both because I can’t bear the thought of losing another son and because the thought of yet another pregnancy makes me feel beyond hopeless.

I wish I could hold you. I wish this was over so I could hold your brother.

I wish.