I feel like I should apologize. So much has happened and I’ve neglected this blog. I talk to you often, but I don’t sit and organize my thoughts the way I should. Plus, there’s that beautiful kitchen…
If I had “before” pictures I’d share them, but that damn kitchen was so hideous I never bothered.
But so much more than that has happened. We had the next ultrasound, and found that your little brother is doing beautifully. Thus far, he seems to have all of his parts. Unless something goes terribly awry, or some other horrible unrelated thing pops up, we are past the point of having to make any heartbreaking choices.
This has changed things for me. For one thing, I’ve finally started to connect with your brother. And to worry about him. Though he’s been kicking even more than you did, he’s still small enough that he can hide, and I’ll go hours without any little thumps and flutters. And my mind fills with terrible images of him floating limply inside me, gone cold and silent just when things seemed to be going so well.
Another thing I’ve had trouble with is his name. I usually think of him as Edward, and feel like he’s a very different little boy than you were. But sometimes your name comes to mind first and then I feel guilty twice over–once for not spending as much time talking to or thinking about you, and again for not being able to give myself fully to your brother.
Its very confusing. I’m happy and I’m guilty and I’m nervous and I’m hopeful. Hopeful! Is it really even okay to say that? Can we really say that your brother undoubtedly has fingers and toes, even if we have to wait for him to get bigger to count them all and make sure they’re in the right places? And he was a very good boy–he stretched out his hands and wiggled and squirmed and showed off.
I never know what to feel anymore but I seem to be feeling EVERYTHING. Often at once.